The Magical Effects of Alcohol!
by HolliiiCruiser
Summary: Someone contaminated the lakes and rivers outside of Forks with alcohol, and it just so happens Edward is out hunting. This is totally random and RETARDED! Ever wondered if Edward wears boxers or briefs? Read chapter three to find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Really long A/N: Okay, so right now I have two stories running: Bella, Isabella and The Weird and Wonderful Tales of the Cullens. All the rest are done, for now. So this was originally just going to be a oneshot, but I felt it had potential for an actual story. I got this idea from a deer running across the road and I thought hey! Edward drinks deer blood! What if it was spiked with alcohol! HAHAH! Let the hilariousity ensue! One more thing here: I don't know if you can poison lakes and rivers, but just go with it. This is totally OOC. **

I usually was awoken by Edward whispering something in my ear, or him kissing my neck, or something along those lines, but today was different. I wasn't really _woke_ up, I was _scared_ up; by a loud and earsplitting shout from downstairs. Rubbing my eyes, I noticed a note stuck to my hand with ribbon, puzzled I yanked it off. I unfolded it and hastily read the message. It was from Edward.

_Dearest Bella, _

_I know we talked about this last night, but I wanted to make sure you wouldn't worry one bit. I'm out hunting, not far, just in the woods right outside of town. I'll be back at exactly 6:00 pm, you can even time me, and if I'm late you have full rights to punish me however you wish. But please, be gentle. So go have a human minute and breathe because I'm sure you haven't since you started reading this. I will be back, I promise. If you want, you can go to my house and spend some time with Alice. But I'm warning you now, she went shopping. _

_I love you more than you will ever know, _

_Edward _

I took a deep breath just like Edward said. He may not be able to read my mind, but he sure knew me well. I swore that I would not spend all day moping around and waiting for Edward, but I was sure that as soon as I had run out of things to do I would back to: yes, you guessed it, moping around and waiting for Edward. But I had other things to worry about right now, like why was my dad was ready to burst a blood vessel this early in the morning. He usually saved that for after lunch. I shoved the note into a pocket and hurried downstairs to see what all the hubbub was about.

I rushed down the stairs just in time to see my dad rush past me up the stairs, and a minute later he rushed back down, fully dressed for work. Even though it was a Sunday, and he was supposed to go fishing today.Wow, if he was skipping fishing, it must be serious.

"Dad? What's going on?"

"I really have to run, but it looks like some of the deer are intoxicated. Apparently someone thought it would be funny to poison all the lakes and rivers surrounding Forks, I don't know how and I don't know why, but they must have had a lot of alcohol. But right now I have to head out to the woods right outside of town and see just how bad this damage is, but I have no clue how to fix it." And without another word, he kissed the top of my head, got in his cruiser, and sped off. I just shook my head and walked back upstairs. Whoever did this must have had a lot of money to buy all the alcohol and must have had nothing to do with it. Who would possibly think it would be funny to get all the deer drunk? As soon as the thought popped into my head I stopped dead. I know exactly who would find that funny, Emmett Cullen. I hurried right back down the stairs and, still in my jammies, pushed my truck as fast as it would go towards the Cullen house. I had to warn Alice, just then another horrifying thought came into my mind, Edward was hunting in the woods outside of town, where the drunk deer were. It was going to be a long day.


	2. Here We Go!

The whole time I was driving all I could think about was those poor little deer. Could they get alcohol poisoning? Or would they just, I shuddered at the thought, puke it all up? Either way it wasn't going to be pleasant. And Edward, what if he drank the deer/beer blood? Would he get drunk too? That might actually be something worth taping for use next time we got into a fight… no, I had to help him. Not blackmail him, unless the situation absolutely called for it. Like that one time he said that Linkin Park was better than The Almost, it would have come in handy then. Anyways, I pulled into the driveway and was immediately bombarded by Alice and Emmett, who were laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys, why are you laughing? All those poor innocent little deer! And my Edward!" I was furious. Emmett stepped forward.

"Bella, don't worry, this is an annual thing. Every couple of decades we contaminate the waters of the town and get Edward completely and totally plastered. He needs to let down the old prude walls every once in a while, plus he does the most outrageous things when he's drunk."

"Ok, so that might be fun. But what about all those deer, won't they get hurt?"

This time Alice stepped forward. "Bella, there isn't enough alcohol in one deer's bloodstream to get a fly drunk. I asked about it once. The deer are fine. But if Edward drinks more than one deer's blood, and he usually has three or four; and if he's really hungry, six or seven, things could get a bit hairy." I began to calm down, I was more interested in what kind of things Edward would do under the influence.

"So, let me get this straight. The deer are not drunk, but Edward on the other hand probably is? And we're just supposed to set back and enjoy the show?"

Emmett ticked off all my concerns on his fingers, and when he was finished, flashed me a wide smile. "That sounds about right, would you like Esme to pop you some popcorn?" That brought another important concern to mind.

"What do Esme and Carlisle think of this? Surely they don't approve." I realized this was something they had hoped I would not ask.

"Well, here's the thing, I sort of saw that they wouldn't find out if you didn't tell them, so…" Alice gave me a pleading look. "Couldn't you sort of not say anything?"

I sighed, I really didn't want to lie to Carlisle and Esme, but if they didn't ask it wasn't technically lying, it was creatively not coming out with the truth. And I wouldn't mind Edward being the one who was embarrassed for a change. After a couple of seconds of suspense, I nodded my head and flashed them a smile of my own. "What could he possibly do that could hurt anyone right?"

There smiles became forced and the slowly turned to face each other, after a quick nod from each of them, they turned back to me. "Right?" They said in unison. **(A/N: Note the question mark after right.)**

"So," I said curiously, "what did Edward do last time you did this?"

"Well, the last time we did this was in the thirties, and he sort of, might have had something to do with the, cough, cough, stock market crashing, cough, cough."

My smile slid from my face. "HE WHAT? AND YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"

Emmett rolled his eyes, "Oh come on Bella! It was coming anyway; he just sort of helped it along a little bit. And we used Vodka that time, this time all we used was beer, so the effect will be slightly less amusing."

"Don't you mean slightly less life altering?"

"Potato, Patoto. You say a tomato's a fruit, I say it's a vegetable. What's the difference?" Alice suddenly stood straight up, a huge smile across her face.

"Let the games begin." Emmett and I turned to where Alice was pointing, preparing ourselves for what was about to begin. I was strangely excited and somewhat scared. Edward and beer are a combination I thought, until now; I would never have to deal with. Those were the good old


	3. Bella's a virgin?

I tried to focus on where Alice was pointing, but all I could see where flippin' trees. Then Emmett started giggling and Edward came stumbling out of the brush very dramatic like. His hair was interestingly enough in pigtails, which considering that his hair was short, was not an easy feet to pull off. His shirt was ripped almost completely off, and his pants were slung low around hips like a rap gangster (a question I had been pondering for a while was finally answered, Edward was a boxer man, he was currently wearing Christmas Scooby Doo ones it was July). He was barefoot, he looked like some sort of a cross between a god, Britney Spears, and a hippie. Umm, is it wrong that I still think he is totally hott even when he's hammered and completely out of his mind? Didn't think so. Now that I knew that no deer where hurt (other than the mental consequences of course) this whole thing had turned into sort of an unintentional payback for me. Now Edward was the one who needed saving, he was the one who had unending opportunities in front of himself to effectively embarrass him beyond any of my wildest beliefs. How conveniently this was working (maybe we could avoid another crash of the stock market). I could finally have my random and pointless revenge! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Note to self: Don't even whisper the evil laugh when there are two coherent vampires and one not so coherent vampire in close quarters. They will hear you, the two sane ones will point and laugh, and the insane one will, well….

He'll run at you and do that thing that guys do when they want to fight, you know walk up to each other and spread their arms out saying "Do you wanna roll? Huh, you think you're big and bad? I'll break you, mo-fo! Yeah, I said it! YEEAAHHH BBBOOOIIII!" Complete and total silence followed this outburst. Then Edward fell to the ground and rolled up on his feet, one leg bent behind him ala James Bond. He pulled a water gun from his pocket and began singing to himself.

"_When there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? EDWARDO! _

_ When there's evil alien Martians threatening to kill all you virgin children? Who you gonna call? EDWARDO! _

_ When you're really bored, and need someone's hair to mess with, who you gonna call? EDWARDO!"_ Then he broke into the Mission: Impossible theme song.

Emmett was beside himself with glee. "This is even better than the stalk market thing!"

All of the sudden Edward leapt up onto the roof, and when he noticed they didn't follow, he plopped down on his butt and gave them the puppy lips.

"Guys!! Come on, I don't want the virgin killing evil alien Martians to get you!" He said crossing his arms like an angry two year old.

Alice rolled her eyes and leapt up beside him, making it look really easy. "Edward, none of us are virgins, so what does it matter?" Then three pairs of golden eyes turned to look at me. Edward's were flicking back and forth madly, he obviously had no idea why everyone was looking at me.

Then with a loud scream of "AHA!" it clicked in his mind. "You're a virgin, Bella!"

I blushed red, "It's your fault!"

He became very somber, "Isabella Marie Swan, I will do everything in my awesome and invincible power to either fix that, or kill all the evil Martians. Because I love you! MWAH!" He slapped a wet, sloppy kiss on my lips, and even though it was slightly gross, I still mildly enjoyed it.


	4. The Invasion Begins

**A/N: No deer or Edwards were harmed in the making of this chapter**

After the shock, and let's face it: the wetness, wore off from Edward's kiss, his words finally sunk in. He said he would do anything to fix my virginess, did that mean…? No, I didn't want him to be drunk for it; didn't he say that if he didn't concentrate he could hurt me? Ya, that would be a great sexual experience, killed before I reached second base. It would prove everything my mom ever told me about sex was true. SEXDEATH!

"Why don't you just kill all the virgin killing whatcha-ma-call-it thingies? That would work out just awesome like." I was trying to use easy words, so as not to confuse his muddled brain. He shot up off the roof, pulling me down with him, and ran into the house, straight into the kitchen. He rummaged through the cabinets while I raided the fridge. It seems that the Cullen's went a little overboard in making sure that they were plenty of snacks for me. They had everything imaginable from Walnuts to Fudge. My eyes were pulled to the can of Spaghettios. Oh my flipping gosh! They had meatballs in them! Praise my gorgeous soon to be family of vampires!! Ignoring the question in the back of my mind of why Spaghettios were in the fridge, I ran over to Edward and gave him a sloppy kiss of my own, he giggled like a schoolgirl and put a pan on his head and threw a strainer at me. I just stared at him.

"Well, silly goose! Put it on! It won't protect you from the Martians evil brain wave if you just look at it! Dur-dur-dur!" Another note to self: No more Mind of Mencia for Edward. I reluctantly pulled it on my head and walked over to my beloved Spaghettios. I popped them in the microwave, hoping that the alien invasion could hold off for a minute. No such luck. Faster than you can "I'm a little lad that loves berries and cream." I was whisked off upstairs, into Edward's room. He flipped over his big comfy couch and hid behind it like a barricade. He grabbed a handful of CD's and started throwing them out the window like they were grenades. Oh, he was gonna regret that later! Was that his brand new Boys Like Girls CD? He just bought that yesterday. I was pulled from my memories of a sober Edward, by drunk Edward clapping his hands. About one third of his CD collection was gone! He didn't look bothered.

"Good thing all those land mines were in my room, huh?" He giggled again. I just laughed, this was even better than I could have imagined. My poor Edward though. Then very distinctly I heard the ding of my Spaghettios. I calmly stood up, walked past a still and silent Edward, and as soon as his door clicked shut behind me, made a break for the pasta deliciousness I knew was waiting for me. I had gotten about halfway across the living room when he hit me. Edward had flung himself at me and rolled us both under his piano.

"Edward! What the crow are you doing?" **(A/N: I love it when Bella says Holy Crow, so this is my tribute to it.) **

He just calmly and sadly looked at me. "The invasion has begun!"

DA DA DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

**A/N: No deer or Edwards were harmed in the making of this chapter. Britney Spears CD's, however, were, I just can't wreck Edward's beloved CD's, so I used a stunt double. What else are they good for?**


	5. Naked?

Now it was on! He wouldn't let me within ten feet of my Spaghettios. He wasn't even _this _protective that time that we went to that Slip and Slide convention, and he knew that those two words plus me would equal, at the very least, very nasty bruises. But that's a story for another time, maybe in the fabulous story that is The Weird and Wonderful Tales of the Cullen's, the author **(A/N: cough, me, cough!)** of that story is really fantastic. As is the author of The Bleeding Cloak. **(A/N: Shoutout to my girl, Micah aka Freak a Geek!)** Back to my current predicament; Edward thought that the _bing! _Of the microwave was really the war cry of the evil virgin killing Martians, hereafter referred to as the EVMs. Where in the hella where Alice and Emmett? Surely they wouldn't leave a dangerous and drunk vampire in the hands of me, considering what happened last time. Just as I was about to grow angry, they came in the front door with Toys R Us bags in their hands.

"What are all those for?" I asked as Edward shot out from underneath the piano and sat on the floor in front of his siblings, apparently the EVM invasion had stopped in its tracks as soon as toys showed up. Emmett patted Edward on the head and pulled a Dora the Explorer doll out of the bag and threw it out the front room and towards the town. Edward, like a little puppy dog, ran after it. Bella and Alice drew deep breaths and…

"EMMETT CULLEN! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU GO GET HIM RIGHT NOW!" They both pointed out the door and when he ran out, slammed it behind him.

**Emmett POV!!! **

Well, what else was I supposed to do with a Dora doll? She was so annoying! "Come on vomenous! Everybody let's go!" She makes me sick and her little monkey too! Edward had found the Dora doll and had climbed a tree with it. In between shouts of, "Swiper! No swiping." he threw acorns at my head. It was ticking me off more every time. Finally I hit him on the head with a stick, and he apparently passed out. Wow, I must have hit him pretty hard; I didn't even know we could do that! Now I have an excuse if Carlisle ever catches wind of this: it's a _learning experience!_ I laughed at my own cleverness, actually I more of laughed so hard I couldn't stand up and I dropped Edward. He was a faker, he wasn't really passed out! He jumped up, screamed fire, stripped off **_all_** of his clothes, and ran down the street.

**Back to Bella's POV! **

Just at me and Alice headed into town, we saw a very naked and still very drunk Edward running past us like Will Ferrell in Old School. As I pulled up next to him, I realized that this was just the beginning.


	6. Polka Dotted Socks

**A/N: Okay, so I just wanted to hear your guys' opinion on this. There's a story that is almost exactly like mine on here, I'm not going to name it cuz I'm not mean like that, but it's the same plot. So, should I be ticked or flattered because this someone thought it was good enough to rip off? So review the story and tell me what you think!!! **

Oh good lord. I thought that the first time I saw naked wouldn't be the same time the rest of Forks saw him naked. There goes a future romantic moment. But the way things are going, I would never see him naked anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. So now we are following him down the road in my truck.

"Hey Alice, shouldn't we get him in the car? Can't you get arrested for that sort of stuff?" I tried to keep my eyes on Edward, but seriously, you can only look at his butt so many times. I swear that this blush is going to be permanent.

"Yes, it's called indecent exposure, and since he's drunk, it could also be charged as intoxicated in public. The two combined could get Edward in quite a bit of trouble."

I bit my lip, how long would it take for someone to call the police? I'm sure when it did happen; it wouldn't be a girl, because we had a flipping mob following behind us. They were all screaming things like, "I'll be your babies momma!" and "Is it wrong to like a teenager when you're thirty-seven?" It was all an experience I would rather not repeat. So I pulled the truck over and hopped out. Edward was making faces in the window of a restaurant. Looks like the customers were getting a little more than they paid for. I'm sure most of them would become regulars. **(A/N: I know I would. Hee hee!) **

I walked up beside Edward, and he turned to face me.

"Bella, does this make me look fat?" He gestured at his naked body.

"Edward, you don't have anything on, and you're not fat."

"BELLA! I meant my socks! Should I get a new pair?"

I looked down at his socks, they were polka dotted.

"Where did you get polka dotted socks?" Just then a white and black blob flew at him knocking him on the sidewalk, then it was gone. And so were Edward's socks. I looked back to my truck and saw Alice sitting in the same spot where I left her, but now she was smugly putting on a pair of polka dotted socks. She looked up and waved.

Edward grabbed my hand. "Bella, will you take me to Wal-Mart to get some socks?" He was talking fairly sober, but I remembered, he was naked.

"Only if you put your clothes back on." He leaned towards me and even though his breath was slightly clouded by the alcohol, it still made me dizzy.

He whispered in my ear. "Okay, Little Edward was getting cold anyway." Then his eyes grew wide and he giggled. He put my hand to his mouth, like he was going to kiss it, but licked it. What was with this boy and slober today? Jeez! I wiped my hand on my pants. Edward hopped in my truck and Alice handed him his clothes. And we were off… to Wal-Mart. Oh god! What had I gotten myself into?


	7. Wally World

As we pulled into Wal-Mart, Edward began jumping up and down in his seat like a three year old. But considering the fact that he was, technically, 17 and a super strong vampire, the truck was rocking back and forth, people were already beginning to stare and we hadn't even made in into the actual story yet! I got out, and Alice yanked him out of the truck, I locked up and walked over to grab a cart.

Before I could get one, there was one in front of me, and Edward was sitting in it. "Hello Bella, what a lovely day we are having!" He said. I looked up in the sky, it looked like it was about to pour down rain. Lovely, my foot.

"Edward, get out of the cart, you're too big to ride in it." I sounded very much like a mom scolding her toddler.

"NO! I said I wanna ride in it, and I wanna ride in it!" I shook my head and looked at Alice.

"Just let him ride in it Bella, what are they gonna do about it?"

"Fine, but you're pushing him." I knew I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. We attracted lots of weird looks as we went in and Edward took it upon himself to wave at everyone, once we were in he went over to the greeter man and wanted a sticker. When the man reached to peel one off the sheets, Edward grabbed the whole roll and ran screaming off down the aisle, the sticker roll waving wildly behind him. I sighed and began to go after him, but I was taking my sweet time. Alice, having never been in a Wal-Mart before, was not much more help than Edward.

"So Bella, you're telling me that they have groceries and a café? Why would you need both?"

"Why do you care Alice? It's not like you can eat anyway."

"You humans are so spoiled! You can't even go home and fix your own hotdogs, you have to go to a store that sells them and buy one already cooked! It's ridiculous!"

"Alice, shut up and help me find your brother." But she was already gone; I glanced down the floor and noticed a trail of smiley stickers leading back to the toy area. I hoped I could get there before Edward hurt someone.

I finally reached the toy aisles and walked up and down each one looking for Edward. Suddenly something flew by me. After several repeated attempts at grabbing it. It slid down the aisle, finally coming to a stop. It was Edward sitting on a bike, but not just any bike, a pink Barbie bike that was three times too little for him.

"Bella! Look at this bike! Isn't it pretty! You can ride too, if you want. There's pegs!" I went over to him and tried to drag him off the bike, yanking his hair, which had him screaming bloody murder, when the worst possible thing imaginable happened.

"Edward? Bella?" I spun around, already recognizing the voice. It was Carlisle. He was with Esme and Emmett. Edward squealed and ran over to Carlisle, wrapping him in a bone breaking hug. Esme looked at Emmett.

"How's the stock market doing?"

Emmett shrugged, sheepishly."So far, so good."

Carlisle grabbed Edward's arm and began to lead him to the front door.

"I think it's time we got you home, Edward."

Edward looked up at him with big eyes. "Are the Martians back?"

"What, oh, err, yes? The Martians are back." Carlisle raised an eyebrow at me. Edward nodded in understanding. He smoothed his shirt, and his hair, giving me a dirty look.

Just as we were walking back to my truck, Alice came rushing out.

"Bella! Did you know they had CD's there too?" She was rushing out, with two boys in the standard blue apron uniform behind her hauling two carts each.

"Alice! We were only in there for 15 minutes! Did you have to buy the whole store?"

"Shush up, I got you a present!" She threw a stuffed dog at me. Why would I want a stuffed dog? "I figured you could name it Jacob Jr." She laughed at her own joke. I was glad Edward was drunk; because I'm sure she would have got in trouble for that one otherwise.

"Oh ya, Edward. This one's for you." She gestured to the last cart, which was holding…

"My Barbie bike!" He giggled again, I wondered if I would ever hear Edward giggle again after this. I could only hope not.

Carlisle, having enough, loaded a squirming Edward into his Mercedes, and he and Esme drove off, leaving Alice, Emmett, and I to load all the bags.

"We're going to get it when we get home, aren't we?" I asked they both shook their heads, I decided to load the bags as slowly as possible, and they followed my lead. We weren't too eager to experience the wrath of Carlisle.


	8. End of the World Avoided

**(This one is done, but the others aren't. Does anyone wanna read some of my stories that are non-Twilight related? If so, you can email me at and I will send one to you. I would really appreciate it.)**

Oh good lord, did we get it. Well, I shouldn't say we, because I got off scot-free. Apparently the innocent human couldn't be blamed for this. I gave Alice a peck on the cheek and Emmett a clap on the back, and danced my little human butt up the stairs into Edward's room, preparing myself for more crazy antics from him. I put my ear to his door and didn't hear anything; I didn't know to be alarmed or thankful. I took a deep breath and stepped into the strangely silent room. There was no sign of Edward, which could not be good at all. I was just about to yell for Carlisle when I saw a tuft of bronze hair on the couch. I hadn't even thought to look there, he never used it. I hesitantly wandered over.

"Edward? Are you awake?" He didn't answer, so I walked around the couch so that I could see his face. He appeared to be asleep, but I knew that was impossible. I began to panic.

"Carlisle, something's wrong! Get up here now!" Before I had finished my sentence he was beside me, a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"He just passed out; he must have had a lot of alcohol for it to have that effect on him. Emmett and Alice quite outdid there selves this time, this almost rivals the stock market incident." He seemed to be very amused with it, which was the opposite emotion I was expecting him to be experiencing right about now. At my quizzical look he laughed.

"How can you be so happy? My dad would be furious!"

"Well, after a couple hundred years, you need some entertainment." I just raised an eyebrow as he passed me and left the room. I lifted up Edward's head and sat down, placing it back down on my lap. He didn't even twitch. I looked down at him. He was so perfect, even drunk and passed out, I stroked his hair back out of his eyes, and realized that without me, this whole day would have been a lot worse than it really was, no telling what Emmett and Alice would let Edward do. I shuddered at the thought, world as we know it would have ended. Then he moved.

"Bella?" He murmured, eyebrows cinching together. "Why do I smell like cheap bear and Wal-Mart? And why do I have a really bad headache?"

"It's a long story." So I told him all of today's events, his face growing more and more horrified with every passing word. My own growing redder and redder by the second.

"You saw me… naked?" He looked down, and I swear he would put my blush to shame, if only he could. I nodded, and even though he didn't look up, I knew he understood. We just sat there for a couple of minutes.

"Were you impressed?" He winked and leaned forward to kiss me, my breath already gone courtesy of the mental images in my mind. Then I leaned back.

"Do you have a toothbrush?"

"I believe so, why?"

How could I put this without hurting his feelings? "'Cause your breath is kicking, honey." There that did it.

He leaped up and was back before I could blink. "Better?" He whispered, resuming the position he had been in right before my rude comment.

I kissed him, I had almost forgotten what it felt like. "Much."

THE END! UNTIL THE NEXT TIME ALCOHOL FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS! (COUGH COUGH EMMETT AND ALICE COUGH COUGH)


End file.
